I'm over the waterworks, but it took me a long, long time at work to get it behind me. They were twelve years old, round abouts, and that's a really, really long time for even big parrots to live, so I understand that it was just a matter of time.
I just wish I had paid more attention to them the last coupe of months, since we've been in the hew house. I don't think that would have kept them alive, but all the same, I feel like garbage for not paying them more attention than I did.
- Mood:
sad - Music:Click, click, click at the other computer
- Mood:
cold - Music:Closer to Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn/The Cure (A+D DJs)
Just in time for things to get really interesting.
There's really been too much going on to discuss it all in detail, but I can go over it in pieces, and then elaborate more as I get time.
-I am finally moving out of my parents place and in with Ryan. Saturday night, after I get off work, my mother, my sister, my niece and I are all roadtripping to Virginia to help him transport whatever belongings necessary. For a few days, Ryan will be living with my sister, and in the meantime, we will be deciding on a place to live and working, working, working.
- I am considering pursuing work as a baker at Panera, instead of a plain associate. I'm kind of hesitant about this because I would have to float between stores, and I don't know my way around Louisville (outside my comfort zone) at all. I'd get to train at C'ville with George, but then I'd have to hop stores.
- I have a dividing and unbelievable urge to smoke up. I haven't in over two years, probably, and everyone at work who does has been a lot lately. I've been invited to participate a number of times, by an number of different people, and it's getting harder to find excuses not to. =p
- I've just about quit smoking the regular kind of cigarettes. As promised, I am down to a microscopic portion of my previous nicotine intake, almost positively not enough to aggravate my anaemia when I get on birth control. Like, one or two cigaretts every two weeks or so. I'm pretty proud.
That's all the biggest news, really, I'll be trying hard to write more through the summer, maybe even working on some fiction. We'll see. Encourage me?
<3,
Marti
There's really been too much going on to discuss it all in detail, but I can go over it in pieces, and then elaborate more as I get time.
-I am finally moving out of my parents place and in with Ryan. Saturday night, after I get off work, my mother, my sister, my niece and I are all roadtripping to Virginia to help him transport whatever belongings necessary. For a few days, Ryan will be living with my sister, and in the meantime, we will be deciding on a place to live and working, working, working.
- I am considering pursuing work as a baker at Panera, instead of a plain associate. I'm kind of hesitant about this because I would have to float between stores, and I don't know my way around Louisville (outside my comfort zone) at all. I'd get to train at C'ville with George, but then I'd have to hop stores.
- I have a dividing and unbelievable urge to smoke up. I haven't in over two years, probably, and everyone at work who does has been a lot lately. I've been invited to participate a number of times, by an number of different people, and it's getting harder to find excuses not to. =p
- I've just about quit smoking the regular kind of cigarettes. As promised, I am down to a microscopic portion of my previous nicotine intake, almost positively not enough to aggravate my anaemia when I get on birth control. Like, one or two cigaretts every two weeks or so. I'm pretty proud.
That's all the biggest news, really, I'll be trying hard to write more through the summer, maybe even working on some fiction. We'll see. Encourage me?
<3,
Marti
- Mood:
nervous - Music:Claudia's Allegro Agotato - Elliot Goldenthal
Mostly.
I make no promises on regular updates, since the second half of the semester is always the worst, but you'll hear from me on a regular basis before too long.
Like in December, maybe.
And I want to do something to my hair, but I'm too scared to decide on anything.
Also, cleaning out my friends page, so if you aren't on it anymore and wish to be ... um, sorry?
- Mood:
tired
Oh, and I got my birtday present from Jimmy. I love that guy. I want to move to Canada to be with him and Cody. Anyone want to come? He sent me a copy of Nightwish's 'Dark Passion Play' and a CD/DVD combo of a Great Big Sea show. Yay! <3
Saturday, I didn't sleep very late, so I was kind of dragging all day. My dad drove with us to the band contest. So, of COURSE, he absolutely, positively knew the fastest way, which took about twenty minutes MORE, and was a fucking tract road. There were chickens. I shit you not. >>
When we finally got there, we went to get my new camera. It's Kodak, but it was cheap, and it's got fantastic resolution, a couple of other nice features. I almost took it back and got a Fuji that was pretty simillar, but I don't want to waste any more time waiting on one.
Salem didn't place so well, but they did very well. Everyone had taken a step down compared to last week, though. Except for Bloomington South, of course. I have NEVER seen them less than perfect. North Harrison finished their show, too. Their marching is a little fuzzy, but their music is so good, and their show executuion is phenomenal. I feel bad (since they're technically in Salem's class), but htier show is my favorite this year. <3
We went to Steak and Shake afterwards and the miserable old shit went home in my sister's car, so we really had an okay time. No amigos showed up, but it was pretty late, so meh. Amelia and Brain at least TOLD me they weren't going to be there. It would have been nice to hear from one of the others.
I miss Amy and Jesi and Mikey a lot. They went on a photoshoot earlier this week and it makes my heart hurt looking at the pictures. The more I think about it, I'm starting to actually debate between Clarksville and Madison to move to eventually. Clarksville is closer to Louisville, but Madison is closer to family. IT just makes me sad that I can't see them as much as I see Melissa and Jon. There's no winning. If I move closer to Jesi and Amy, I'm farther away from Melissa and Jon. And vice versa.
Anyway, I need to go enjoy my latest installment of personal douchebaggery. I accidentally woke up an hour early. When I already have to be at work for nine hours. Oy vey. So, I'm going to try and get a little homework done before I have to leave. Peace. <3
- Mood:
head-achey - Music:General Taylor - Great Big Sea
Not a lot has been going on, really. Enough to keep me busy, not a lot worth writing about. Not anything that thousands of other people from the area aren't already bitching about. So what the hell. I can be one of the popular kids, I'll write about it, too.
The storm hit while I was at work. The power kept flicking off for longer and longer at a time. We were adding orders on calculators, everyone was giving up on even TRYING to have some composure behind the counter. Openly, loudly bitching about the store still being open, wandering off to look at the weather when there's a line, or an order to make. It was ridiculous. I'm not arguing that the store should have been closed, but it wasn't, so they shouldn't have been complaining. I mean, we're there, for the god's sakes, we might as well do what the fuck we're THERE to do.
When I got home, our power was out, but the wind was over. My mom and I played rummy. It's so much fun playing cards with her, I always forget. She uses the word "piss" in the British style, like, "Oh, PISS!". Hearing my cuddly, hobbit mum say that, it's too funny for words. I also read a lot, finally finished "Twilight Eyes" by Dean Koontz. Worst. Book. EVER. I might review it if I get some breathing time to do so soon. I'll TRY to, ASAP.
As it so happens, my nephew had quite an experience, too. His family had gone to get emergency groceries and he stayed home to take a nap. When he woke up, they still weren't home and his phone was dead (no power to charge it), so he went to a neighbor's house to use their phone, see when they were going to be back. When he was coming back to his own house, he caught someone breaking in. Thank the gods he had the common sense to run back to the neighbor's house and call the police. If that sounds like what anyone would do, you obviously don't know the men in my family. Or a lot of the women, either, for that matter. After all the mess settled down, it was obvious someone had been IN the house, but nothing was taken. Malloy is still wigged out about it, I think But he's just a kid, anyone would be, at that age, at any age.
The store has become a refugee camp for anyone without power, because of the Wifi, so the next day at work was chaos. We ran out of bread. PANERA BREAD ran out of bread. All we could do, by an hour or more before close, was salad and soup. And people were pissed. Excuse me, but we didn't plan to be feeding a quarter of Kentuckiana. Sorry that interferes with your afternoon.
We got power back right as I was leaving for home, so we were in the lucky few. There are people who still don't have it back, over a week later. But as for other losses, we weren't so lucky.
-CONTINUED THE SECOND FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY-
When I got home from work the first night, I saw that our willow tree, my mom's favorite thing in the entire world, had come up, roots and all. I had to work the next day, it was gone, burned out, because it was too big to haul out. My mom was hysterical. It was a very young tree, still very green, so it screamed while they were burning it. I almost cried too, thinking about the poor thing.
The next couple of days, Panera was hell, because of the free WiFi, and because so many other places were still closed. But by now, its all worn off, most people have power back now, and even gas has gone back down almost to what it was before the storms.
Saturday night was the Paoli contest for band. There were a lot of schools that didn't show because of storm damage, and we even had to take a weather break, because of the lightening that was edging in from the outside of town, on the Orleans side. Salem didn't get anything but participation, but we had a whole, whole lot of tough competition that night. Things were pretty screwed otherwise, though, as far as some of my other favorites (Henryville) that got screwed out of awards they deserved. But that's the way it's always been, I guess. And it sucks. I did get some amazing pictures, though. <3 I'll throw those up sometime soon, when I sort out which band is which again.
Tuesday of course, was the MSI concert. It was absolutely fantastic. Totally worth missing a Geology exam for. =p We were hungry before we went and found this really nice little place called BARcelona, about a block or two up from the Murat Center. It was a tapas resteraunt and Steve, in his incredible wisdom and wit, asked out waitress, "Hey, is this Spanish?" I fucking love Steve.
The opening bands for MSI were ... eh. The first band was an absolute nightmare. They would have been really good, if the mics had been unplugged. The second band, I think they were called "We Are the Drea" were really good, and the third was all right. MSI was fantastic. I'm in love with the guitarist and Jon has devoted his entire life's exsistence to sleeping with the bassist.
Today's my birthday. My very first present was at midnight, my nephew played "Trogdor the Burninator" for me on Guitar Hero. <3 I probably won't wind up getting much else until next week, at least two presents are coming through the mail. =p And Ramona is going to bake me a red velvet cake for tomorrow. It's her specialty. I can hardly wait!
In nay case, I mistimed the Rock Lab Quiz. It's tonight, not a week from tonight, so I am in ... a little trouble. I'm still trying to decide whether I want to skip it all together, or give it my best. We'll see. I'll throw those photos up the first chance I get. Peace.
- Mood:
content - Music:The New Black - Every Time I Die
I got my loan deposit in today, finally. I wish my security didn't depend so totally and completely on money. But with my parents only working a job and a quarter between them, it's a little scary. =p Once again, as I've said a thousand and one times, have GOT to get my own place.
Got a new phone today. So that means we get to play everyone's favorite game; The Phonebook Game. I've only copied absolutely necessary numbers into my new phone and left everyone else out. If you think you got left out and want to swap numbers, let me know. (My number is the same, by the way.)
Am probably going to break down and get a new game soon. Unfortunately. I have an unholy craving for Zelda. Or, I might just suck it up and start Windwaker again. But I'd really like to see if I can hunt down the 4-in-one that came out for Gamecube a while back. It had Majora's Mask, 4-Swords and two others ... I think Ocarina and Link to the Past? Not positive on the last two. But anyway, it would be BITCHIN.
Anyway, out of here, to Geology, the class where your instructor hates you and automatically assumes if you aren't a science major, you're doomed to failure in his class. Douchebag.
- Mood: tired
- Music:A printer, over, and over, and over, and over ...
- I have no common sense
- My family and bosses are, not all, but for the most part, self-centered and/or douchebags
- I can't change anything that's happening
So, I might as well just deal the best that I can. Like Chris says, do the Taoist thing. Go with it.
Friday night, I broached the possibility of missing the band contest on Saturday night. (Backstory, I took Saturdays off this year because MacKenzie and Malloy both are in the Marching Lions percussion section this year.) Not that I didn't want to go, I was just tired and had a lot of studying to do, along with some stuff around the house and car, and it would be nice to have the house to myself for a day. My mother, being the caring and sensitive individual that she is, threw an absolute fit, and told me she just KNEW this was going to happen, that she didn't care. So when I said forget it, I would go, then she threw a minifit because I wouldn't stay home. So I skipped a sorely missed sleep in and gave my car a bath.
When I say bath, I mean that I took that mother fucker to the SPA. I spent two hours at the car washa nd at the vaccumes with Lorelei. A big part of that time was my own fault. For one, she hasn't had a bath since she's been mine. For second, I left some beer and booze bottles in her trunk and forgot about them. Which meant shattered glass all over the inside of my trunk. To make it up to her, I'm not even putting trash in the trash bag, unless I'm in motion and have nowhere else to put it. >>; I gave her a good detailing, too, and she looks pretty beautiful. ^^ That made me feel pretty good.
I went home and did another installment of the spring cleaning I've been working on for about three months. My walls now are half empty. I took all the posters and various hangy things I don't want any more down, including the bug-shaped Christmas lights that haven't been plugged into a wall in many, many years now. The stuff that's left, I plan on getting some good poster frames for. I'd like to paint my room before it gets too cold. My mom even said she would help me when I broached the idea. But that was before she lost her job and became a little self centered.
The band contest was okay. My aunt Bonnie and her grandkids (my cousins Reggie and Talon), and they had a blast. Salem was SPECTACULAR. We blew everyone in Class A out of the water. We took EVERY AWARD in class A; Best Music, Best Overall Visual, Best Guard AND First place. Suck it New Albany, suck it Crawfordsville, suck it Borden.
Work has been ... interesting. I had just a little under 35 hours clocked for last week, and I have 36 on the schedule for this coming. Unless I get adjusted to this pretty quickly and start eating and sleeping a little better, I think I'm going to have to tell Robin I need about five fewer hours. Which I don't want to do. I need the money. But it won't do me any good if I fall asleep at the wheel and put myself in the hospital. No insurance now that mom's not working. Nifty, huh?
On the note of money, my loan reimbusment is delayed, yet again. More douchebaggery on my part, and only a little on the schools. So unless I fucked up YET AGAIN, I should have all my money, payroll and loan, minus a $56 check I had to write today for a text book, should be in my account, in full, by Friday. Than I'll be a thousanair. It's pitiful to be that excited about $1K, but it's more money than I've ever had in my life that wasn't 100% spent before I even had it in my possession. It's kind of ... nice.
Oh, the Geology quiz from hell is over, and I think I got a B+. Not half bad, if I do say so myself. I made my creepy, self-proclaimed lab partner feel like shit. Which I kind of feel bad for. But only a little. He's an ass. 10-50-something male in college, thinks he knows everything. You know the type. A lot like my dad, actually. Which is probably why I can't stand him.
Anyway, my self-allotted internet reward time is up. Time to head home and study, before getting up at the ass-crack of dawn for yet another 9-hour shift.
To JesiAmyMikeyBrianeveryoneelseIneverseeat
- Mood:
peaceful - Music:Out Ta Get Me - Guns n Roses
I'm still alive, I think. As far as I can tell, anyway.
I started class this week, and they seem all right. I went out with Melissa last Friday night, then Jon the night after. I got some awesome ridiculous Jon pictures that I might try to do something with. But Jon is so photogenic, and such a natural camera-ham that they will be really nice if I just clean them up a little, without any funky editing. Those are on my Facebook for your viewing pleasure. I would have put them on Photobucket first if I had thought of it, so that I could throw them on here, and I might still later.
Classes have been okay, and I've almost worked off the MSI ticket buying Jon lunch this past week. One mre lunch and I'll have paid it back. >>;
The drive through opened at work this week. I got to work it for the first time today. It'll take some getting used to ... but I think I like it. To really have the thing learned though, and really be able to do it well, I'll have to learn line. But I guess it's that way with most anything around the store. =p But, to make a long story short, I did okay in the beginning and not so well at the end. I've felt like a big fucking failure at work for like the last week or so. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe I am a big fucking failure. Maybe I shouldn't care whether I am so much. I don't think any of those things will change any time soon.
Money, as usual, has been the big monster this past couple of weeks. For school this year, I got the Frank O'Bannon grant to cover my tuition, and then also a loan. So I figured, hells yes, use the loan to buy books.
Didn't turn out quite so great.
I thought I had accepted the loan, but I didn't. So I accepted it my first day of classes, and that means it won't be in until the middle of this week. But I needed a couple of my books right away, and my check this week wasn't going to be enough, so I had to do the unthinkable and sell my soul to the devil. I had to borrow $200 from my father. >>; So now, I owe him back $200, I still don't have at LEAST one text book that I need, like, yesterday, I have under $100 in the bank, it'll be another week and a day before I'm paid again, and I'm really not fucking sure when that stupid loan is going to come through.
FUCK.
I've been feeling odd lately. Walking Maggie at night, I'll suddenly walk through cold patches in the air (not cool, COLD), that won't be there when I come back, not even a trace of them. I had a dream the Ryan's brother had died, a really, incredibly vivid one, which never happens when I dream about people I know. And then, tonight, I saw something. Crossing the road, something ... weird. I can't even think of how to describe it well. It was dark, so it might have been just a trick of the light, but it looked sort of like a weasel or ferret, only all black (or maybe dark brown, since I could at least see it a little in the dark). I need to start meditating more, figure out what's going on. Or maybe I'm going crazy.
Then again, I can't help that.
We're all mad here.
- Mood:
weird - Music:Secret Garden in my DVD playuh
Oh, how I love you. And how I hate you. How dare you leave me hanging with only 13 episodes to enjoy.
Damn you Jesi, for not warning me. T___________T
But no, honestly, absolutely excellent anime series. I can see why it's so many people's favorite.Not MY favorite, but still amazing. I watched the original Japanese dub. I peeked at the English voice cast, and I think I'd like to see it in English sometime, just to see how it might be different.
Oh, if anyone has a soundtrack to the series they might like to pass along, I wouldn't be opposed to taking it. <3
- Mood:
lazy - Music:Hellsing opening theme
After Ryan and I split up for good, like I told a lot of you and I could finally write about a few days ago, I was really lost. I didn't know how to identify myself without being with him. Then, more and more, it wasn't him, it was just an other. I needed an other or I didn't know how to define myself.
So, I went away from everything fr a few days. I ate too much, smoked too much and drank too much, and didn't do much of anything else. But mostly, I thought. A lot.
After that, I had to get in touch with the past a little. I had to look back at my life before Rya and Joe and Jeff, and remember that my life was really, really good and fun before, when I wasn't with anyone at all. That's why I went away from you, Mel. And you, Jon, but you missed the most of it, because you were away. I needed to spend time doing the things I did and being with the frinds I had before I started getting obsessed with being somewhere in my life that I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready for.
Now, I need to put those pieces to gether. The past and the future. So, I have a list of grievences to address, apologies to list and promises to make. Most importantly to people that make me happy.
Mel -
I am so sorry I've been distant lately. For as long as I've known you, I've been with Ryan, and when I think of memories of us, he's there in a lot of them. In the background or on the phone. A lot of things. I needed some time to get my head straight and convince myself that the person I am, really am, is good enough to be your friend. I think she is, anyway. But you're the final judge on that. I promise you to never neglect you again, to call you more, and to make more time for you. No guy, or the pain from that guy, should ever come between girls. I preached that a lot for a while, but I haven't been very good at practicing it. For that, I ask your forgiveness. You are a lot of the things I want to be, and I look up to you a lot for your bravery and your kindness and, especially, your honesty and forthrightness. I don't know what things would be like if I didn't have you to look up to. You are my beautiful sister. I also promise tostart planning that vegetarian meal at my house that I promised you, along with the photo shoot that I'm still in agony to do, and more sock puppets. LOTS more sock puppets.
Jon -
I don't think you realize how much I admire you. You have, for a long time, been my common sense. You bring me back from the throes of emotastic passion and dramatic ridiculousness when most other people around me are just feeding the monster. You're the most down to Earth, direct, bright person I've ever met. I think I would have floated off into the big nowhere a long time ago if it weren't for us being friends. From now on, I promise to think more, and to think clearly more. I promise not to be so fucking meloncholy as to not irritate the shit out of you, and I promsie to try harder in restraint of cat noises and lolspeak.
Amy -
Sometimes I think I've neglected you the most of all. For months leading up to your wedding, I got to see you only two, three times. You can be honest and compassionate and understanding in situations that are far too ugly for people to look at. You're the most amazing exaple of a powerful, confident woman I've ever met in my life, and I admire that more than you can ever imagine. You're also my sister and my inspiraton, and I hope you'll forgive me for not being there for you mor,e not helping you out more in this recent,most stressful time in your life, and for getting shit-faced, trashed out boned drunk at your wedding reception. I promise to spend more time with you before you leave for good, to upgrade my stupid fucking computer so that I can use MSN, to send you lots more stupid Facebook flair and to, very soon, start a savings account devoted solely and completely to funds to come visit you in Japan.
- Mood:
calm
Some days, I'm okay. Most days, I don't just sit around and eat, like I have this weekend. Most nights, I get at least six hours of sleep. But I still feel lost. I don't know what's next.
I hate this situation because I feel so alone. I want to be with him, but I know that won't make him or, in the long run, me, happy. So my mind jumps to the most logical conclusion. If you're lonely, but your first choice isn't available, then find a second choice. I feel like if I can be with someone, anyone, I'll be okay.
And I really, really hate that about myself.
I want to be attractive in my own right, because I'm a desirable person. Not because I'm single and willing. I want to be independant and hang out with my friends and do all the cool stuff I want to do, that I can only do alone, that I haven't done in a long time, or never got to.
But those things don't make me miss Ryan any less. They don't make me feel any less lonely.
We talk sometimes. More than most split up couples do, I'm sure.
But it's not the same. I miss being allowed to be in love with him.
So, since I can't find any piece to fill up that hole, I just sit and do nothing. I eat and eat and eat and slack off at work, and do nothing around the house. And I'm scared, because I keep telling myself that a piece to fill up that hole isn't just going to fall out of the sky. I either have to go looking for one that's the perfect fit, or I have to heal the hole up all by myself.
I want to heal up the hole. I want to be whole in my own right.
Hole.
Whole.
But healing hurts a lot more than just finding filler.
It's also a lot harder.
I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. My heart feels like a broken teacup.
I went to Amy's wedding, stayed the night with Jesi after the rehersal, before the ceremony. I got fucked up wasted and saw people I haven't seen in a long time and met new people and pretended to forget about everything and, for the most part, had a lot of fun.
But what about the times I can't do all those things?
When I'm at home alone, or just with my parents, who didn't think Ryan and I were going to make it in the first place, and are secretly glad that we split up, if he wasn't going to be here with me immediately, I can't pretend anymore. And I just want to disappear into my mind and forget.
- Mood:
broken
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
the_m0uthpiece. A book this time. Read eet. And Maggie doesn't like the umbrella vultures on "Alice in Wonderland". She got scared and barked at them the whole time they were on.
- Music:Painting the Roses Red - Disney's Alice in Wonderland ST
Another one of my friends got fired at work. I feel like I've got the DTs every time I see two of my managers, the ones that are so clutch and calling all the shots. It makes me so nervous that they're weeding everyone out like this. I hate it.
Sunday, after work when they fired Jason. I went out with Melissa for a while. We went to the new "specialty" place on Veteran's parkway, Cirilla's. Then we went to Fazoli's. Melissa didn't eat anything much, and I only just finished mine. We got Jason to come meet us. My mum called to give me a guilt trip for not coming home, and I decided to do something rebellious. We dragged Jason, and another guy from work, to Love Boutique so I could find a new vibe. It was awkward and embarrassing and a riot all at the same time. What's funnier is, now, I can't figure out exactly how to use it.
The photo shoot on Friday went really well. Everyone canceled on us, but I got some nice shots of Malloy at the factory before we got run out by a surveyor. Or someone, I don't know who the hell he was, but he was a jackass. We weren't hurting anything, but he was being a total creep.
I finished "Tick Tock", but it was awful. It's going to be the review for this Friday. Just as a preview, I've never in my life read a book and decided, definitively, that I never wanted to read it again until now.
Going to Steak and Shake again tonight with some of the girls. It's so weird suddenly being part of a group again. I mean, I sort of was when I worked at the Barrel, but it wasn't quite the same. And on top of that, I'm sort of ... the old one. All of them are at least a year younger than me, if not a lot more. It's an odd thing, but I really don't mind at all. It's nice. Not something I've ever really done before.
There are only about two and a half weeks before I leave for Virginia now. I'm starting to get really nervous. Every time I think about it, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Not for any bad reason. On the contrary, it's because I feel so happy. When I think about being with him again, it feels so big inside me that I could explode. But I don't want to lose any of it, because it's all mine.
Which just reminds me that I have a laundry list of people I need to see and things I need to do before I leave. I'd doing much better on saving money than I was, but I could do a lot better. At this rate, I don't think I'm gong to be able to make my goal of money to have saved before school starts. But I have to have money when I come back from Virginia, so there's not a lot I can do to open my savings account yet, at least not until I get my first normal check once I come back.
I've decided to just go through all my books for summer reading instead of buying new books. I've already finished "Violet and Claire" since I finished "Tick Tock", now I'm working on "Dangerous Angels", the one that's a full anthology of all the Weetzie Bat books. I finished "Weetzie Bat" already and I'm better than halfway through "Witch Baby" now.
I hate writing like this, but I love it at the same time. There's no order whatsoever in it. I keep flipping back and forth between subjects. No solid train of logical thought. Random. It makes the writer inside me scream and shrivel, but it's so much easier to do it like this, unless I have something planned. Sometimes I do plan, like rants of full stories or things like that. But most of the time it's just this sort of thing, cruising though and venting it out.
The funny thing about it is, I still have a kind of organization. A method under the madness. Because if you just swapped my paragraphs around a little, maybe change a couple of words here and there, this entry would make perfect sense. I stick to a limited, reasonable number of themes, I just can't stay focused on an individual one.
Until now.
Self analysis makes the heart grow calmer.
I've not lost any more weight, but I'm drinking a lot more water. Not more water, like LOTS MORE and it all is water. I managed to slug down around 40 oz yesterday sitting around and reading, trying to flush all the nasty stuff out of my body. I also eased up on the junk food more. I was going to try and cut it off completely soon, but there's no way. I'll be starting Red Week soon, that alone would blow it to smithereens. But I'm pretty scant about it now, so maybe Red Week will stay in "Indulgent" and not swing all the way into "Slavering Over-eater".
That's all the update I've really got right now. It's good times, but it's also rough times too. Just ... the stupid little things, like my parents and work, are getting a lot bigger, and a lot more serious, and they're things I don't want to talk about while I'm really feeling pretty good. I'll save it for another night where I don't mind fucking up my mood.
- Mood: content
- Music:Pretty Women - Alan Rickman/Johnny Depp [Sweeny Todd Soundtrack]
I finished "Sense and Sensibility". It was tolerable. I will probably never read it again, or any other Jane Austen novel. Do not want, thank you very much. I am willing to admit that she is an excellent author, and completely deserving to be called one of the greatest authors in the world. But I don't enjoy her work. I guess it comes down to the difference between appreciation and enjoyment. I picked up "Tick Tock" by Dean Koontz today. Not exactly a literary behemoth, but it's one I've been wanting to read for years. It was so old, I was waiting to either get lucky and find it in a yardsale or second hand place, or see a reprint. We haz reprintz, yo. <3
I'm ridiculously tired. I didn't do all that much today, but I just want to curl up in bed and doze. Malloy and I went to the mall today to get him a fishnet shirt. I finally managed to arrange a shoot for Friday, and he needed at least that to kind of fill out his clothes for it. He met Trish, and they seem to get along well. That will help their chemistry well, I think. I saw Emily, who is coming on the shoot with her boyfriend Grahm, and Melissa, too. Mel got her brownies that I made her, like, three days ago, finally.
I helped Trish scout some stuff out to get for the shoot. She's waiting until tomorrow when we get paid, so I won't be with her to buy the stuff. But the worst that could happen is we don't use a couple of things she has and move on to something else. =p
I also found myself another watch. Finally, after nearly a year since I broke the old guy's watch I loved so much. And my Disturbed shirt! That was probably the best thing about the whole day! I knew Malloy had to have had it, and I got it back! It still fits even, really well. I'm so stoked, I haven't seen it in years. I was so mad when I got it at the concert, though. They had the exact same shirt inside (I bought this one outside, waiting in line) for $5 cheaper, with the tour venues and dates on the back. You can imagine my annoyance.
I think I may have stumbled across an idea to run with in my writing. I want to write a modern retelling of an old princess fairy tale. I want the princess to become a stripper and a junkie. And I want the prince to rescue her, in a manner of speaking. Not like, whisk her away to his castle rescue. Something atypical and different. I'm toying with one idea on that front, but I don't know for sure. I want to see how it looks written out first.
::eyes the clock::
Oh, and I joined Myspace again. Fuck you, peer pressure.
Bit I want to toy with that idea a little tonight before my writing hour is initially up, so peace out, bitches.
- Mood:
lethargic - Music:Johanna - Sweeney Todd soundtrack
Another photo shoot I didn't get to go on.
It's ridiculous how sad that makes me. It's my own fault that I never got the one for last month in working order.
But now ... well, it's complicated. My number one choice for a female model hasn't called me in a few days and is probably stuck up her boyfriend's butt, my number one choice for a guy model is shy of modeling by himself, and I honestly don't know that many other people who are genuinly interested. And I only know how to get to a couple of good locations, so that fucking sucks.
Like everything else I do, lately.
God damn it.
I'll admit it first, if no one else will. I'm intrigued. Call it the music nerd in me, but I have all my life had a hard on for Erik. A lot of the reviews are absolute love letters. But a lot of them are REALLY bad. Most of the negative reviews were from anti-pornsters, but a few of them were erotica fans. One person said, and I quote, "Just because you describe a labia eighteen different ways does not mean it's erotica." So, yeah. Not sure about this particular investment. Anyone want to jump in and get a copy with me, and do a book club kinda shindig?
- Mood:
dirty - Music:Sweet Up and Down - Dave Matthews
Body
Current weight - 188 lbs
Previous week's weight- 189 lbs
Original weight - 200 lbs
Goal- 150 lbs
Not a lot of improvement since the last time I updated, but I did just come off of Red Week, so I have a feeling that had a lot to do with it. That's also why I didn't update this last week. With all the drama going on anyway, I just didn't fee like fucking with anything at all. Not a great way to go about a path of self-improvement, but all the same, I'd rather do it and skip a few days than stick to my routine and end up ditching it all together because I get to hate it.
The last few days (meaning three >>;) I've been doing really well on this front. I've been working out every day and then walking Maggie first thing to cool down. The problem is, with the tae-bo workout I have now, I don't have room anywhere in my house to do it all, so I'm reduced to just running in place for about a quarter of what I've gotten through at all. Also, I haven't ben running with Maggie at all, still. With me closing so often, I just don't think it's workable to do. By the time I get home at night, she's already been out and is asleep under the bed, or want to play and keeps stopping when we're running and nearly killing me. I think I'll have to go back and rework my standards for the summer, just a little. I'm having some trouble in other areas, too, but I'll get to that in a bit.
Eating is going much better. Didn't have a single flesh craving, outside of red week, and I've been doing slightly better on the sweets I went back to all water and tea, no soda at all so far this week.
Mind
Once again, definitely the area I'm doing the best in so far. I'm about half way through "Sense and Sensibility". It has finally gotten good, and I'm enjoying it all right. But unless it gets a lot better still, really fast, I think reading the second Jane Austen novel is going to be about as pleasant as giving a car a bath.
Writing is going well. I started keeping a letter-journal to Ryan to keep me occupied on days when I don't have a review to work on or don't have it in me for fiction.
When I finish with my Quixote update, this week's review is going up. It's a Czech ... something ... called "Little Otik". I can't really quantify it effectively except for ... horror and black comedy maybe? It's a little hard to wrap my head around, but no all bad.
I missed the May photo shoot completely. That's the biggest knock I've taken so far, aside from the days I've spent not even trying on my schedule. I'm going to try and double the workload this month and do two shoots to make up for it.
Spirit
I'm doing better than I was before in this area, starting last night. I really looked at why I'm not doing better here, and it boils down to two things. One, I'm still looking at meditation as something I can do in a passive way. I can't do it as I'm curled up in bed because I will fall asleep. I've tried and it just does not work. For seconds, my heart is just not in tarot. It's a wonderful classic divination method, but it really just doesn't call to me. I love my runes, and I really just don't have the heart for another divination method. This will be another area of some retooling in the original plan.
I have done some very tentative planning to do some basic visualizations, probably on Monday. Monday is a good day for dream work, so I think that would probably suit it best. I'm going to work out some of the basics of my Wiccan identity. I think that might be part of my problem in getting motivated. While I'm all high plans and ambitions to be more active and in touch with my spiritual life, I really don't have any foundation to stand on while I work. First things first; patron deity, spirit animal and magickal name.
Also, focus on rune work instead of tarot. If it speaks to me so much that I'm rejecting other methods of divination, time to let them talk to me.
Finance
A little bit of improvement here. I'm on financial lock-down until after July, because I have no money whatsoever saved for the trip. I've been yanking the reigns on my impulse buying and managed to keep a little over $100 in the bank from my last check before the new one went in. I'm going to get all this month's expenses paid out, keep it locked down tight and wait for one more check before I open my savings account. This will mean I'm going to be really far behind, and probably not meet my goal for savings for the fall. But we'll have to see. Also, I think I determined for sure which car is better on gas, so that should help some. Unfortunately, that happens to be the one with air conditioning. Temptation, temptation. >>
So, all in all, doing better than I was, but not nearly what I had hoped I would be at by my second moth. On the other hand, there is noticeable progress. 12 lbs. and a book and a half, plus three + finished reviews is something, even if it isn't really anything big.
- Mood:
good - Music:It's Hard Work - Japan Philliharmonic Orchestra [Spirited Away Soundtrack]
Again.
I woke up with cramps from hell.
I went to work and got my lip split open by the handle of a deck brush, that just happened to be a special ghetto one with a metal bracket on the end.
I cut my finger open on a shelf (don't ask, I don't even get it).
Then had a near confrontation with Chris and cried all the way home. He was coming to pick up Mel at work and I didn't see him pull in because I was on my stupid phone. I didn't know he was there until he pulled up two or three spots away from me, next to her car. I hauled ass out of there. I'm not even certain why. I just ... this isn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. I did what I thought was best to make everyone happy.
I say that, and I try hard to believe it. But when the person who's been my best friend for so long, the only tie I've got left to the first part of my life, accuses me of treason and treating him unfairly, I start to doubt myself.
I have enough of a guilt complex from my family, I don't need it from my friends, too.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't do anything wrong.
No matter how many times I say it. I can't completely make myself believe it.
Thanks, mum, for convincing me every fuck up vaguely relating to me is my fault.
- Mood:
rejected - Music:X Amount of Words - Blue October
After work, Melissa and I went out in search of the Family Guy Star Wars special, "Blue Harvest". Since it was after 10 and I refuse to set foot into WalMart, that left us with Meijer. I guess they're restocking tonight or something, because we went to two different Meijers and they were both like, gutted in the movie area. So fuck you, Meijer.
I DID however see gas for under $3.95, so yay, Meijer. We stopped there to fill up and get some junk food. I was intrigued by the idea of this Mexican soda called Jarritos, and figured I'd give it a go. We got back in the car headed back to Panera for her to pick up HER vehicle, and I asked her to open it for me. It had the beer bottle like top, so I figured it would just twist off. Not so. It's the old fashioned pop-top kind. So we're freaking out about that, because I really wanted my damn soda, and neither of us had anything even remotety resembling a bottle opener. There's a lull in the conversation and suddenly, at random, I just yelled, "Fucking Mexicans!" I think I half killed Meli she was laughing so hard. I'm going straight to hell.
Talked to Chris, but not in person like I want to. It was a very short, very unsuccessful conversation on Facebook messenger. IT was kind of reminiscent to talking to a garden post, only not getting as far. I don't know what to do. I want to just say, okay, forget it, everything is okay, but it still hurts. A lot. I did my best to make everyone happy, and now, for the most part, everyone is, except me. If that's the way it's got to be, then fine, as long as they're happy. But it just ... it's selfish, but it doesn't seem fair.
By the way, I'm contemplating suing Meijer for not having "Blue Harvest". Douchebags.
- Mood:
confused - Music:Battle in the Forgotten City - Uematsu Nobuo (FFVIIl; AC ST)
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