I hate money. A lot. Why is it that when I don't have anything important pending, there seems to be plenty, but when something, even something relatively inexpensive but extremely important comes up, there's nothing to spare? Fuck Valentine's, fuck anniversaries (not really. =/), fuck Panera .... just fuck.

So, to keep my mind off, a review.

( The Other Side )

That's all for tonight. Possibly another music review coming soon, too, happened to be listening to Pandora while writing and heard a pretty bitching sweet cover of "White Rabbit" by a band I've never heard of called Collide. We'll see.

See you, Space Cowboy.

While this seems like a cute little Japanese boy-meets-girl movie, I will lay down that it has some moderately graphic sex scenes, including mild S&M and rape, and mildly disturbing voyeurism displayed in a normal, maybe even positive way. I am NOT recommending this movie for anyone under 17.

So if anyone's kids get in trouble with the cops, don't sue me, you fucks.

( Kikareta onna no mirareta yoru )

Reviews pending (minimum):
- "The Other Side" (movie)
-"Wolfgang Ammadeus Pheonix" (album by Pheonix)

There's a review or two coming soon. I started to work on them. I really did. And then Maggie decided she wants to play. Who am I to argue?

Back later. <3

Things have been good the last few days.

Sunday was Maggie's birthday, she's been with me for two years now. We had a little family party for her, and Mindy brought Phoebe and Bub over. Phoebe had a lot of fun, I think, but Bub was not so receptive to the whole idea. We tried to introduce him to OUR cat, Bianca. They sniffed and touched noses, then Bianca leaned in a little and hissed at him, mouth full wide open, ears laid back. Bub, apparently trained for this by the other cat in their house, Baby, spent the rest of the night hiding in my sister's sweater. For her birthday, I got her a stuffy Valentine heart, a new coat and a Frisbee. Mom got her a baby doll, and Mindy got her a Nylabone and a new doll.

Today started out a little rough, I had some pretty disturbing dreams, and woke up to some relatively odd events, but I spent a little time at my altar first thing and felt a lot better.

Today, we went to campus to discuss my degree options, and then went to Cafe Mimosa for sushi. I haven't been there since they moved, and it's really nice, nicer inside than it was before.

So, we've been just chilling since we got home, watching Zombieland (me) and playing video games (him). It's laid back, no worries days like this that are the most fun with him. I felt really pretty fluffy today. We were walking out of campus and he started talking about how he thought sometimes about other plans he'd had when he was in high school, but if he had gone through with them, he didn't know where in the world he would be right now. I think that was his way of saying that he was really happy to be with me, and where he is now. We've been living together for almost a year, so I know that's something that should be expected, but he's not the kind to just come out and say it. So I was pretty excited about it.

Self-improvement plans have not, on the other hand, been going quite as well, but I'm still working on it. I think that may be the point of my odd experiences this morning, but that's speculation for another time.

In any case, for your enjoyment, the recipie for the birthday cake that I baked Maggie on Sunday and coming soon, hopefully, a review on a CD Jon passed along to me by Phoenix.

( Peanut Butter Birthday Cake (for DOGS ONLY, not meant for human consumption) )

So, starting over starting today. Again. I've pared down my goals to something a little more reasonable.
( Goals for Myself )Today has been going according to plan pretty well. I got up an hour late, but otherwise, all is going accordingly. Not a lot of time to talk, still have to work tonight. Will be on a lot more, hopefully, now, to write, so wish me luck, and hold for updates!

Too tired to make a full entry tonight, so just a quick run down before bed. I'm making another go at the 8 a, schedule tomorrow, all inclusive, so I will hopefully be filling in with details tomorrow.

-Ryan and I have been getting along a lot better, no more fighting, and having a lot of fun the last few days.

-I met Jon's woman Amber. She's a doll, I like her a lot.Would like to hang with her more.

-I am shit ass broke, mostly because I have a horrible shopping habit. I can blame it partly on Etsy (GOD DAMN IT AMY!) and partly on guilt over late birthday presents. As such, no phone for Ryan until at least my next check.

-I slipped and busted my knee again Wednesday night at work Exactly the same way as before: coming around the corner, stepped on a cup lid with my right foot, which slid out from under me backwards, went down on my right hand and left knee. Got the rest of the night off.

-My dad probably has cancer. He's been going to the VA doctor off and on for a year or so now, for different things, and about a week ago, they found a dark spot on his kidney. They ran more tests and determined it was a cancerous tumor. All else I know is that they're probably going to remove his kidney, no transplant, and that it is probably not a branch of another cancerous growth. And his doctor is an idiot. I was in worse shape yesterday when I found out. I was actually in pretty miserable shape. Right now, I just don't want to think about it at all, because that won't do any good.

That's all. Good night.

I was going to write today before getting started.
But I just kind of stared at the page while I ate and couldn't think of anything constructive and positive to say.
More evidence that I should write today.
But I won't, because it's 11 AM and I need to get started on acting, at least a little bit, like a grown up today.
FML.

So I started this story a while back, the beginning of which is on my own PC. (If you've been keeping up with Martistory, you know my PC has syphilis and I'm stuck on the boyfriend's until I can find a not-pirated, not-$90 copy of XP Professional.) So, until I get the beginning part of this is recovered or re-written, you'll be lost. I don't feel like explaining myself.

( Les-rotica ahead. NSFW, offensive to most readers, yo. )

Criticize me. Please. I've never really tried writing erotica, so I'm not feeling very confident about it.

Okay, so I've taken a crack at this before, but things are starting to get desperate for me. I'm in the worst shape I've ever been in before, I can't get motivated to write and it takes far too long for me to read material that I would have breezed through three years ago. I get no exercise, have terrible eating habits, can't stick to a budget and I can barely really be called a witch. Time to try to be better.

Body
Goals: lose weight and get in shape, develop better eating habits and exercise on a regular basis
Practices

• Wash up every morning and night: washing, brushing tongue scraping, mouthwash, flossing, and lotion. The whole nine yards.
• Eight hours of sleep every night, no exceptions
• Time to go easy on the junk food. Meat, soda and junk food only twice a day.
• A cumulative hour to two hours of exercise every week, at least: every off day or closing day
• Development of a regular schedule applicable to at least most days
• Slow down and, eventually stop smoking. No more than 5 cigarettes a day.

Mind
Goals: get real mental stimulation outside of inactive practices
Practices

• Read for an hour every day, non-religious material, just for fun, to keep my reading skill up
• Write for an hour every day, not including my Mirrorbook. A journal, fiction, letters, anything.
• Spend no more than an hour a day playing video games or surfing the internet

Spirit
Goal: to become a comfortably regular magic practitioner and a respectable Wiccan
Practices

• Study magic for at least one hour every day, meditating, reading or performing rituals
• Write in my Mirrorbook every day to record the progress or shortcomings of these goals
• Find an ecologically relevant organization to devote time and support to, and try to do so at least once a week
• Spend real, quality time playing with Maggie and Bianca every day, at least one hour. Time spent with animals is a lesson in what real inner peace is like

Other Practices

• Devote $50 out of every check to a savings account.
• Easy on the eating out: take lunch to work every day necessary, and only eat out on special occasions or in the event of food shortage at home.
• Save unnecessary spending (anything not covered in the budget) for the Monday before payday, to cut back on impulse buying and bad prioritizing.
• Do at least a little work on the house and laundry every day, and develop a schedule for the more involved chores (floors, bathroom, pet grooming, etc)

That is all. Wish me luck. =/

Marius and Cosette are dead. Mari died early yesterday night, and Cosette was dead too this morning when we came down stairs.

I'm over the waterworks, but it took me a long, long time at work to get it behind me. They were twelve years old, round abouts, and that's a really, really long time for even big parrots to live, so I understand that it was just a matter of time.

I just wish I had paid more attention to them the last coupe of months, since we've been in the hew house. I don't think that would have kept them alive, but all the same, I feel like garbage for not paying them more attention than I did.

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

I am alive.
Mostly.
I make no promises on regular updates, since the second half of the semester is always the worst, but you'll hear from me on a regular basis before too long.

Like in December, maybe.

And I want to do something to my hair, but I'm too scared to decide on anything.

Also, cleaning out my friends page, so if you aren't on it anymore and wish to be ... um, sorry?

So birthday was pretty good. Even though it stretched watered-down over a couple of days. Friday, Mona brough a red velvet cake in to Panera for Betty's and my birthday. Work sucked otherwise, though, I felt pretty sickly. When I got off I hung out with Chris for a little bit, then Melissa and I went to Steak and Shake. While I was waiting for her, Alexa and Kelsey were flying a kite in the parking lot. We would have stayed longer, but a mall cop had parked across the street from us, and we got a little worried.I stayed up late, late, late talking to Ryan. It was really nice, even though, I was half exhausted and he was just reading me lolcats and movie reviews off line half the time.

Oh, and I got my birtday present from Jimmy. I love that guy. I want to move to Canada to be with him and Cody. Anyone want to come? He sent me a copy of Nightwish's 'Dark Passion Play' and a CD/DVD combo of a Great Big Sea show. Yay! <3

Saturday, I didn't sleep very late, so I was kind of dragging all day. My dad drove with us to the band contest. So, of COURSE, he absolutely, positively knew the fastest way, which took about twenty minutes MORE, and was a fucking tract road. There were chickens. I shit you not. >>

When we finally got there, we went to get my new camera. It's Kodak, but it was cheap, and it's got fantastic resolution, a couple of other nice features. I almost took it back and got a Fuji that was pretty simillar, but I don't want to waste any more time waiting on one.

Salem didn't place so well, but they did very well. Everyone had taken a step down compared to last week, though. Except for Bloomington South, of course. I have NEVER seen them less than perfect. North Harrison finished their show, too. Their marching is a little fuzzy, but their music is so good, and their show executuion is phenomenal. I feel bad (since they're technically in Salem's class), but htier show is my favorite this year. <3

We went to Steak and Shake afterwards and the miserable old shit went home in my sister's car, so we really had an okay time. No amigos showed up, but it was pretty late, so meh. Amelia and Brain at least TOLD me they weren't going to be there. It would have been nice to hear from one of the others.

I miss Amy and Jesi and Mikey a lot. They went on a photoshoot earlier this week and it makes my heart hurt looking at the pictures. The more I think about it, I'm starting to actually debate between Clarksville and Madison to move to eventually. Clarksville is closer to Louisville, but Madison is closer to family. IT just makes me sad that I can't see them as much as I see Melissa and Jon. There's no winning. If I move closer to Jesi and Amy, I'm farther away from Melissa and Jon. And vice versa.

Anyway, I need to go enjoy my latest installment of personal douchebaggery. I accidentally woke up an hour early. When I already have to be at work for nine hours. Oy vey. So, I'm going to try and get a little homework done before I have to leave. Peace. <3

-MONDAY-

Not a lot has been going on, really. Enough to keep me busy, not a lot worth writing about. Not anything that thousands of other people from the area aren't already bitching about. So what the hell. I can be one of the popular kids, I'll write about it, too.

The storm hit while I was at work. The power kept flicking off for longer and longer at a time. We were adding orders on calculators, everyone was giving up on even TRYING to have some composure behind the counter. Openly, loudly bitching about the store still being open, wandering off to look at the weather when there's a line, or an order to make. It was ridiculous. I'm not arguing that the store should have been closed, but it wasn't, so they shouldn't have been complaining. I mean, we're there, for the god's sakes, we might as well do what the fuck we're THERE to do.

When I got home, our power was out, but the wind was over. My mom and I played rummy. It's so much fun playing cards with her, I always forget. She uses the word "piss" in the British style, like, "Oh, PISS!". Hearing my cuddly, hobbit mum say that, it's too funny for words. I also read a lot, finally finished "Twilight Eyes" by Dean Koontz. Worst. Book. EVER. I might review it if I get some breathing time to do so soon. I'll TRY to, ASAP.

As it so happens, my nephew had quite an experience, too. His family had gone to get emergency groceries and he stayed home to take a nap. When he woke up, they still weren't home and his phone was dead (no power to charge it), so he went to a neighbor's house to use their phone, see when they were going to be back. When he was coming back to his own house, he caught someone breaking in. Thank the gods he had the common sense to run back to the neighbor's house and call the police. If that sounds like what anyone would do, you obviously don't know the men in my family. Or a lot of the women, either, for that matter. After all the mess settled down, it was obvious someone had been IN the house, but nothing was taken. Malloy is still wigged out about it, I think But he's just a kid, anyone would be, at that age, at any age.

The store has become a refugee camp for anyone without power, because of the Wifi, so the next day at work was chaos. We ran out of bread. PANERA BREAD ran out of bread. All we could do, by an hour or more before close, was salad and soup. And people were pissed. Excuse me, but we didn't plan to be feeding a quarter of Kentuckiana. Sorry that interferes with your afternoon.

We got power back right as I was leaving for home, so we were in the lucky few. There are people who still don't have it back, over a week later. But as for other losses, we weren't so lucky.

-CONTINUED THE SECOND FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY-

When I got home from work the first night, I saw that our willow tree, my mom's favorite thing in the entire world, had come up, roots and all. I had to work the next day, it was gone, burned out, because it was too big to haul out. My mom was hysterical. It was a very young tree, still very green, so it screamed while they were burning it. I almost cried too, thinking about the poor thing.


The next couple of days, Panera was hell, because of the free WiFi, and because so many other places were still closed. But by now, its all worn off, most people have power back now, and even gas has gone back down almost to what it was before the storms.

Saturday night was the Paoli contest for band. There were a lot of schools that didn't show because of storm damage, and we even had to take a weather break, because of the lightening that was edging in from the outside of town, on the Orleans side. Salem didn't get anything but participation, but we had a whole, whole lot of tough competition that night. Things were pretty screwed otherwise, though, as far as some of my other favorites (Henryville) that got screwed out of awards they deserved. But that's the way it's always been, I guess. And it sucks. I did get some amazing pictures, though. <3 I'll throw those up sometime soon, when I sort out which band is which again.

Tuesday of course, was the MSI concert. It was absolutely fantastic. Totally worth missing a Geology exam for. =p We were hungry before we went and found this really nice little place called BARcelona, about a block or two up from the Murat Center. It was a tapas resteraunt and Steve, in his incredible wisdom and wit, asked out waitress, "Hey, is this Spanish?" I fucking love Steve.

The opening bands for MSI were ... eh. The first band was an absolute nightmare. They would have been really good, if the mics had been unplugged. The second band, I think they were called "We Are the Drea" were really good, and the third was all right. MSI was fantastic. I'm in love with the guitarist and Jon has devoted his entire life's exsistence to sleeping with the bassist.

Today's my birthday. My very first present was at midnight, my nephew played "Trogdor the Burninator" for me on Guitar Hero. <3 I probably won't wind up getting much else until next week, at least two presents are coming through the mail. =p And Ramona is going to bake me a red velvet cake for tomorrow. It's her specialty. I can hardly wait!

In nay case, I mistimed the Rock Lab Quiz. It's tonight, not a week from tonight, so I am in ... a little trouble. I'm still trying to decide whether I want to skip it all together, or give it my best. We'll see. I'll throw those photos up the first chance I get. Peace.

A small update at the end of my long break. Since I'm going straight home and getting on homework tonight. I want as much of my day off actually OFF as I can get. >>;

I got my loan deposit in today, finally. I wish my security didn't depend so totally and completely on money. But with my parents only working a job and a quarter between them, it's a little scary. =p Once again, as I've said a thousand and one times, have GOT to get my own place.

Got a new phone today. So that means we get to play everyone's favorite game; The Phonebook Game. I've only copied absolutely necessary numbers into my new phone and left everyone else out. If you think you got left out and want to swap numbers, let me know. (My number is the same, by the way.)

Am probably going to break down and get a new game soon. Unfortunately. I have an unholy craving for Zelda. Or, I might just suck it up and start Windwaker again. But I'd really like to see if I can hunt down the 4-in-one that came out for Gamecube a while back. It had Majora's Mask, 4-Swords and two others ... I think Ocarina and Link to the Past? Not positive on the last two. But anyway, it would be BITCHIN. 

Anyway, out of here, to Geology, the class where your instructor hates you and automatically assumes if you aren't a science major, you're doomed to failure in his class. Douchebag.

So things have not gotten any less stressful since I last wrote, but I've stopped caring how stressful they are. There isn't anything about it for three main reasons ...

- I have no common sense
- My family and bosses are, not all, but for the most part, self-centered and/or douchebags
- I can't change anything that's happening

So, I might as well just deal the best that I can. Like Chris says, do the Taoist thing. Go with it.

Friday night, I broached the possibility of missing the band contest on Saturday night. (Backstory, I took Saturdays off this year because MacKenzie and Malloy both are in the Marching Lions percussion section this year.) Not that I didn't want to go, I was just tired and had a lot of studying to do, along with some stuff around the house and car, and it would be nice to have the house to myself for a day.  My mother, being the caring and sensitive individual that she is, threw an absolute fit, and told me she just KNEW this was going to happen, that she didn't care. So when I said forget it, I would go, then she threw a minifit because I wouldn't stay home. So I skipped a sorely missed sleep in and gave my car a bath.

When I say bath, I mean that I took that mother fucker to the SPA. I spent two hours at the car washa nd at the vaccumes with Lorelei. A big part of that time was my own fault. For one, she hasn't had a bath since she's been mine. For second, I left some beer and booze bottles in her trunk and forgot about them. Which meant shattered glass all over the inside of my trunk. To make it up to her, I'm not even putting trash in the trash bag, unless I'm in motion and have nowhere else to put it. >>; I gave her a good detailing, too, and she looks pretty beautiful. ^^ That made me feel pretty good.

I went home and did another installment of the spring cleaning I've been working on for about three months. My walls now are half empty. I took all the posters and various hangy things I don't want any more down, including the bug-shaped Christmas lights that haven't been plugged into a wall in many, many years now. The stuff that's left, I plan on getting some good poster frames for. I'd like to paint my room before it gets too cold. My mom even said she would help me when I broached the idea. But that was before she lost her job and became a little self centered.

The band contest was okay. My aunt Bonnie and her grandkids (my cousins Reggie and Talon), and they had a blast. Salem was SPECTACULAR. We blew everyone in Class A out of the water. We took EVERY AWARD in class A; Best Music, Best Overall Visual, Best Guard AND First place. Suck it New Albany, suck it Crawfordsville, suck it Borden.

Work has been ... interesting. I had just a little under 35 hours clocked for last week, and I have 36 on the schedule for this coming. Unless I get adjusted to this pretty quickly and start eating and sleeping a little better, I think I'm going to have to tell Robin I need about five fewer hours. Which I don't want to do. I need the money. But it won't do me any good if I fall asleep at the wheel and put myself in the hospital. No insurance now that mom's not working. Nifty, huh?

On the note of money, my loan reimbusment is delayed, yet again. More douchebaggery on my part, and only a little on the schools. So unless I fucked up YET AGAIN, I should have all my money, payroll and loan, minus a $56 check I had to write today for a text book, should be in my account, in full, by Friday. Than I'll be a thousanair. It's pitiful to be that excited about $1K, but it's more money than I've ever had in my life that wasn't 100% spent before I even had it in my possession. It's kind of ... nice.

Oh, the Geology quiz from hell is over, and I think I got a B+. Not half bad, if I do say so myself. I made my creepy, self-proclaimed lab partner feel like shit. Which I kind of feel bad for. But only a little. He's an ass. 10-50-something male in college, thinks he knows everything. You know the type. A lot like my dad, actually. Which is probably why I can't stand him.

Anyway, my self-allotted internet reward time is up. Time to head home and study, before getting up at the ass-crack of dawn for yet another 9-hour shift.

To JesiAmyMikeyBrianeveryoneelseIneverseeatall, I miss you guys, and I will have some slack time to see you soon, I hope. ;____; And your Hellsing is fine, Jesi. It's sitting on my dresser, nice and safe, away from puppies and candles.

Dear Hellsing.

Oh, how I love you. And how I hate you. How dare you leave me hanging with only 13 episodes to enjoy. 

Damn you Jesi, for not warning me. T___________T

But no, honestly, absolutely excellent anime series. I can see why it's so many people's favorite.Not MY favorite, but still amazing. I watched the original Japanese dub. I peeked at the English voice cast, and I think I'd like to see it in English sometime, just to see how it might be different.

Oh, if anyone has a soundtrack to the series they might like to pass along, I wouldn't be opposed to taking it. <3

I know I haven't been around much the last few weeks, and I can explain why. It's not  a good explanation, or a fair one, but its the best I can do.

After Ryan and I split up for good, like I told a lot of you and I could finally write about a few days ago, I was really lost. I didn't know how to identify myself without being with him. Then, more and more, it wasn't him, it was just an other. I needed an other or I didn't know how to define myself.

So, I went away from everything fr a few days. I ate too much, smoked too much and drank too much, and didn't do much of anything else. But mostly, I thought. A lot.

After that, I had to get in touch with the past a little. I had to look back at my life before Rya and Joe and Jeff, and remember that my life was really, really good and fun before, when I wasn't with anyone at all. That's why I went away from you, Mel. And you, Jon, but you missed the most of it, because you were away. I needed to spend time doing the things I did and being with the frinds I had before I started getting obsessed with being somewhere in my life that I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready for.

Now, I need to put those pieces to gether. The past and the future. So, I have a list of grievences to address, apologies to list and promises to make. Most importantly to people that make me happy.

Mel - 
I am so sorry I've been distant lately. For as long as I've known you, I've been with Ryan, and when I think of memories of us, he's there in a lot of them. In the background or on the phone. A lot of things. I needed some time to get my head straight and convince myself that the person I am, really am, is good enough to be your friend. I think she is, anyway. But you're the final judge on that. I promise you to never neglect you again, to call you more, and to make more time for you. No guy, or the pain from that guy, should ever come between girls. I preached that a lot for a while, but I haven't been very good at practicing it. For that, I ask your forgiveness. You are a lot of the things I want to be, and I look up to you a lot for your bravery and your kindness and, especially, your honesty and forthrightness. I don't know what things would be like if I didn't have you to look up to. You are my beautiful sister. I also promise tostart planning that vegetarian meal at my house that I promised you, along with the photo shoot that I'm still in agony to do, and more sock puppets. LOTS more sock puppets.

Jon - 
I don't think you realize how much I admire you. You have, for a long time, been my common sense. You bring me back from the throes of emotastic passion and dramatic ridiculousness when most other people around me are just feeding the monster. You're the most down to Earth, direct, bright person I've ever met. I think I would have floated off into the big nowhere a long time ago if it weren't for us being friends. From now on, I promise to think more, and to think clearly more. I promise not to be so fucking meloncholy as to not irritate the shit out of you, and I promsie to try harder in restraint of cat noises and lolspeak.

Amy - 
Sometimes I think I've neglected you the most of all. For months leading up to your wedding, I got to see you only two, three times. You can be honest and compassionate and understanding in situations that are far too ugly for people to look at. You're the most amazing exaple of a powerful, confident woman I've ever met in my life, and I admire that more than you can ever imagine. You're also my sister and my inspiraton, and I hope you'll forgive me for not being there for you mor,e not helping you out more in this recent,most stressful time in your life, and for getting shit-faced, trashed out boned drunk at your wedding reception. I promise to spend more time with you before you leave for good, to upgrade my stupid fucking computer so that I can use MSN, to send you lots more stupid Facebook flair and to, very soon, start a savings account devoted solely and completely to funds to come visit you in Japan.